(Guest post by Sam Caesar)
Let’s face it, one of the major issues in any long distance relationships is sex. I mean, sex is generally one of the major issues of any relationship between adults, so that’s not surprising. Every couple has to navigate questions about the role of sex in their relationship. But when you and your partner are miles apart, things get more… complicated.
Just like you, I am in a long distance relationship and, boy, it is hard. Especially since we are a 24-hour flight apart (Australia-Sweden).
When you’re in a long distance relationship and apart almost all the time it can seem impossible to establish a long distance sex life with your partner, but it’s actually not.
Technology allows us to keep in touch with our loved ones much more easily than ever before. And you can have a fulfilling sexual relationship as long as you keep an open mind, you are willing to be creative, and you practice open communication.
Here are my top tips to help you feel more connected and sexually intimate with your partner.
1. Establish Open Communication
When I first started out in a long distance relationship, neither of us properly communicated around what we wanted sexually from each other. We didn’t talk about whether we wanted to be sexual at a distance, and how we would be able to fill the sexual void while being apart.
As time passed, we bottled up what we were truly thinking. Then, a few months down the track, we realized we had a lot of misunderstandings about what we each wanted when it came to sex. This led to a lot of frustration and a big fight.
Luckily, after the falling out we were able to mend what we should have fixed before it became a problem. We both learned that we should have established open communication about sex early on in our relationship.
I don’t want this to happen to you. Open communication is extremely important in a long distance relationship in so many areas. Sex is one of them. So make sure you have a conversation about this sort of stuff with your partner fairly early on!
Preface this conversation by acknowledging that sex can be hard to talk about, and that the topic often makes people feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Let them know that he/she can talk about anything (or choose not to talk about it right that moment if they don’t want to) and that you want them to share their thoughts, opinions, and concern. Tell your partner that you will do the same.
Here are some ideas of questions you can ask or things you can share yourself to start this conversation:
- What are your hopes when it comes to sex in relationship? What about a long distance relationship?
- What concerns or hesitations or worries do you have?
- Is there anything you want to say about this topic, but find yourself hesitating?
When you establish open communication about sex with your partner, the next step is to maintain it. It is important to always take it to a deeper level when in conversation, especially in a long distance relationship, because that’s the way your relationship will grow.
So, have regular check-ins on this topic. Ask your partner how they’re feeling about being apart, and about the role of sex in your relationship. Ask them whether there’s anything they want to try doing differently? Whether there’s anything in this area they want, or they’re worried about.
2. Set Long Distance Expectations
Setting expectations goes hand in hand with open communication. Part of having genuine open communicative about sex is helping your partner understand your hopes, boundaries, and expectations, and making sure you understand theirs.
Here are some things to discuss that may help you understand each other’s expectations in this area:
- What role would you like sex to play in your relationship?
- What avenues of sex do you want to explore? (For example, skype sex, phone sex, sexting.)
- What are your preferences when it comes to long distance sex? (For example, how often do you and your partner want to engage in long distance sex?)
- Do you want to use sex toys?
- Is this relationship exclusive? Is it okay to have other sexual partners?
Never pressure your partner (or let them pressure you) into doing anything you do not want to do. It is okay to say “no” and let your partner know that you’re not comfortable with something. It’s OK for these sorts of conversations to feel weird (as well as oddly exciting). It’s OK to not know what you think about these things straight away. And keep an open mind—your partner may have a few hopes or expectations of their own that may surprise you.
The important thing is that you and your partner end up better understanding what you each want, what you don’t, and what you feel confused and uncertain about. Many times, especially if you’ve never been in a long distance relationship before, you will not know what you want from long distance sex in advance. What you want and don’t want can change over time. That’s why it’s important to also… talk about sex a lot!
3. Talk about long distance sex a lot
I can imagine you and your partner spend a huge amount of time chatting on the phone, skyping and texting. ‘Cause I sure do!
Use some of this time to talk about sex. If you both want sex to be a part of your relationship it’s going to come up. So, in natural conversation when you’re talking about how much you miss each other, you can also talk about ways you want to get freaky next time you’re together, and talk about your sexual preferences and desires. The more specific you can be the more they will learn (and the more you’ll turn up the temperature for both of you.) Do you want it to be sensual? Rough? Dirty? Gentle? Tame? Do you like the lights on, or prefer the dark? What is your favorite way to be touched?
You don’t have to get this personal to learn helpful things. My partner and I also have Skype sessions where we read sex-based articles and browse the internet looking for the best long distance sex toys. I’ve heard of other couples who read erotica out loud to each other or try on sexy outfits to arouse each other.
This sort of stuff also helps us share our experiences, insights and figure out what we like and what we do not like. It lets us explore or wildest imaginations without always having the spotlight shined directly on us, and explore brand-new territory that we would have never thought of without trying other people’s words and ideas on for size.
So try some of these things out with your partner. It can be a fun way to discover what turns your partner on and help both of you to become more comfortable talking to each other about sex. And this is important, because talking about your sexual frustrations and desires on a regular basis will support your sex life and deepen your relationship, no matter how geographically far apart you may be, as long as it doesn’t become all you talk about.
After all, remember, as Lisa has said before, if your relationship becomes 20% talking and 80% heavy breathing that’s not actually a relationship. That’s a free phone sex hotline.
No one said long distance is easy, especially when it comes to sex. But understanding your partner’s preferences, boundaries, and desires and will help set you up for success in this important area.
Open communication, setting relevant expectations, and talking about sex on a regular basis are three simple things you can do to build sexual intimacy, even while you’re far apart.
Notice I said “simple” not “easy”.
They’re definitely not easy, especially at first.
Talking about long distance sex can seem like the biggest hurdle. I was very uncomfortable with this myself early in our relationship, and afraid of negative feedback from my partner. However, the moment I started talking about long distance sex, my thought of “This is too hard”, completely disappeared. Now, we are completely comfortable talking about sex with each other, and that helps both of us feel closer and more, um, satisfied in our relationship.
Let me know in the comments below: What is your biggest struggle when it comes to talking about long distance sex with your partner?
Post author: Sam Caesar
Sam is the founder of Long Distance Things. She is in an international long distance relationship and loves to provide her experiences and advice on anything long distance. You can check out her website at Long Distance Things.
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